'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1' review - Vampires, vixens, and why you should never, ever have sex with the undead

“I’m a professional, damnit,” I thought to myself as the screening began to fill with fans eager in a way that I could never hope to be, passionate beyond logic or reason. The Twilight fans are protestors without a cause, ready to defend their right to love these movies despite everything the films throws at the audience.

The previous movies in the Twilight series are deeply flawed films, but I would never say that to the faces of a ravenous crowd of the series’ fans, at least not while I was unarmed. The source material, of which I have endured through, is a technical mess, with numerous narrative problems. And yet here we are, four movies deep and well over a billion dollars in profits later.

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TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE is okay, but ladies your fantasies disturb me (review)

Rating:  (Passable)

Well, this is certainly an improvement. The first Twilight movie is somewhat laughable and it's sequel, Twilight Saga: New Moon (review) is confusing for those who haven't read the book. With a new director, Eclipse finally sets a stable tone for the series, giving us backgrounds on many of the characters (like the Cullen vampire family) that we've seen on screen for two years now, and enough action so all of the boyfriends in the audience won't wish they were as dead as Edward this third go-round.

So the movie is better, but really, who cares? All you Twilightites are going to see it anyway. You probably already have. You don't see these movies because they're good; you're addicted. Those damn books hooked you, and Jacob's abs reeled you all in by the millions. Criticizing the filmic qualities of Eclipse will get me nowhere! If I'm going to engage Team Edward and Team Jacob, I better dig right in. And so I present my unfiltered thoughts on the characters you love and their many bad choices. Many spoilers ahead.

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New TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE trailer with lots of vampire on werewolf action

I have a tepid history with Twilight Saga: Eclipse trailers. I did not enjoy the teaser trailer, and the short clip the studio released was fairly lame. Still, the video featurette looked more promising. The latest trailer has me wondering why the others exist at all.

This new Eclipse trailer looks like its from a different movie all together--a much better movie. Director David Slade looks like he's taking the franchise down a more action-ey path. The new score by Lord of the Rings composer Howard Shore also adds to the epic direction. Let's hope the final film can live up to its trailer. Eclipse hits theaters June 30. 

(I do wonder why all Twilight conflicts seem to happen in the same grassy field. So much anger over such barren land.)

TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE trailer goes live

Ladies, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is approaching. From the looks of this new trailer, it looks like more of the same, with Jacob (wolfman) and Edward (vampire) fighting over a single girl. Lautner and Pattinson sound like their reading directly from scripts. It's odd how a movie can appear so melodramatic, yet have some of the most monotonic performances out there. Hopefully the final movie will look better than this trailer. Eclipse hits theaters June 30, 2010.

NEW MOON is shirtless and slow, but pretty

Score:

I've never seen so many shirtless teenagers and vacant stares in my life. There is such a thing as a "chick flick" and then there's New Moon, the actual movie equivalent of a Harlequin novel, sadly without the Fabio-adorned cover or sex. It's a marked improvement from its predecessor, Twilight, but only if you can get over the high-flown acting and slow pace. Judging from the reactions of the high-school girls packed into Celebration! Cinema here in Lansing, MI (my town), genetically-troubled half-naked teenage boys running around in the rain more than compensate for a bit of lingering. 

This must be what watching The Beatles was like for girls of the 60s. The band sounded amazing, but you probably couldn't hear a note if you saw them live. Seeing New Moon at midnight was like watching a movie with a laugh/scream track. The theater was clogged with hundreds of blossoming female fans who laughed, oohed, and awed at everything. After a few minutes, I had more fun going with the flow than anything else. Would I have liked it if I saw it alone? I have no idea, though I did, regrettably, think Club Dread was hilarious when I saw it with a bombastic college crowd some years ago--not so much when I saw it in a less social situation. Laughter is contagious.

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