Have you seen the two-minute trailer for Immortals? It looks like 300, has greek gods and a ton of cool Matrix slow-mo shots, is full of cryptic, grand language, and the villain is Mikey Rourke wearing a horribly silly hat. It’s pretty cool, but after watching the full 110 minute version of Immortals, I must say: I like the trailer better. The trailer shows every cool action scene in the movie and you can rewatch it over and over, every two and a half minutes. The movie, well, it has a bunch of gore, but makes you wait until the very end to see a fraction of the action hinted at in the glorious preview. Prepare to spend almost two hours aimlessly wandering the deserts and trying to understand what Mickey Rourke is babbling on about as he tortures people and commands an army of soldiers that don’t seem to need food or water.
That’s not to say that the movie version of the Immortals traileir doesn’t have highlights. There is a fun LOTR-like monologue at the beginning, a brief sex scene with the lovely Frieda Pinto and the next Man of Steel, Henry Cavill, and the ending scene of the movie gives us a taste of 300-style Greek god fighting and thousands of soldiers battling in midair, up in the heavens. However, the monologue and ending are featured prominantly in the trailer too. So why see Immortals? Well, you really don’t have to…Seriously. It’s not a requirement.
The plot follows a young boy named Theseus (Henry Cavill) whose mother and village is murdered by King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke). Hyperion hates the gods because they didn’t come down from their heavens to save his family back when he was young. Now he commands an army and tortures people to try and do something mean to the gods, though he doesn’t really think through the consequences of his actions. Theseus and a woman, Phaedra (Frieda Pinto), he picks up along the way, rally to try and stop Hyperion. (The plot is actually a lot like In Time.) It all ends in a giant battle that you’ll never get to see because, as usual, you’ll get stuck watching some smaller battles instead (remember the end of Pirates of the Caribbean 3?)
You know, there are a lot of good fantasy movies that you haven’t seen. Why not see something else instead? The Ides of March is fantastic, as is Moneyball, Like Crazy, and a bunch of other movies in theaters right now. If you haven’t seen 300, start there. Thor was decent as well. Prince of Persia at least had some humor. Immortals is about on par with the remake of Conan the Barbarian and Clash of the Titans (2010). It relies too much on over-the-top slow motion and gore; it has a handsome star with no character; and its villain is less than convincing. It’s plot takes us all over, but we feel like we haven’t been anywhere at all because every shot is put through so many color filters that the whole film ends up looking like green screens and sound stages, and that’s probably exactly what they are.
If you’re looking to kill 110 minutes of your life, try and see this film on the cheap. It probably won’t offend you, but you really deserve better for your money, and you should know that. And not to ruin the movie, but everyone here is quite mortal, I assure you. That includes the filmmakers.
For your enjoyment, here is the trailer for Immortals:
This isn’t the first time Hollywood has threatened to ruin a good trailer:
For the record, I liked the Iron Man movie. It did the trailer justice.